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In his widely read guides How to Write a Damn Good Novel and How to Write a Damn Good Novel II: Advanced Techniques, popular novelist and fiction-writing coach James N. Frey showed tens of thousands of writers how--starting with rounded, living, breathing, dynamic characters--to structure a novel that sustains its tension and development and ends in a satisfying, dramatic climax.

Now, in The Key, Frey takes his no-nonsense, "Damn Good" approach and applies it to Joseph Campbell's insights into the universal structure of myths. Myths, says Frey, are the basis of all storytelling, and their structures and motifs are just as powerful for contemporary writers as they were for Homer. Frey begins with the qualities found in mythic heros--ancient and modern--such as the hero's special talent, his or her wound, status as an "outlaw," and so on. He then demonstrates how the hero is initiated--sent on a mission, forced to learn the new rules, tested, and suffers a symbolic death and rebirth--before he or she can return home. Using dozens of classical and contemporary novels and films as models, Frey shows how these motifs and forms work their powerful magic on the reader's imagination.

The Key is designed as a practical step-by-step guide for fiction writers and screen writers who want to shape their own ideas into a mythic story.

• Sales Rank: #1163418 in Books
• Published on: 2000-06-08
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 8.62" h x 1.00" w x 6.36" l,
• Binding: Hardcover
• 272 pages

Amazon.com Review
"You don't begin with meaning," according to fiction writer Rick DeMarinis, "you end with it." A critic approaching a story from a mythological standpoint might find a mythological theme, but "there are as many themes in a story as there are critical theories." Hogwash, says James N. Frey. "Mythic structures, forms, motifs, and characters ... are 'The Key' to writing more-powerful fiction," and it is a fiction writer's job to imbue his or her work with them. In The Key, Frey describes each of the mythic qualities (ascribed to the mythic hero, the "Evil One," the "Call to Adventure," and the other elements of the mythic journey) and offers examples of how to use them in one's writing. Don't get the wrong idea. Frey is not interested in academic or overly intellectual writing. Sure, he invents a Proust-reading Nevada cowboy to illustrate the concept of "The Hero's Lover," but there are more references here to James Bond than to Homer. Frey advises using first-person journal writing to get to know one's characters. He emphasizes fiction's need for conflict at every turn. And he recommends working from a premise, as it helps one know what to leave out (everything in the story must work to further the premise). Frey defines every possible mythic character or situation, then insists one not feel confined by them all. "The mythic pattern is not a straitjacket," he says, "it's Play-Doh. Have fun with it." --Jane Steinberg

From Library Journal
In this well-written and witty how-to, Frey, a writing teacher and author of the "Damn Good" writing books, focuses on the tradition of myth as a recipe for storytelling. Drawing from Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth, Frey explains that people respond strongly to mythic images and will essentially read the same stories over and over again; readers of romances are a good example of this concept. The first half of the book is especially interesting, for it examines the mythic structure in such diverse works as Robin Hood, Beowulf, and Jaws and looks at myths that function in everyday modern life. In the second half, Frey provides the reader with a sample novella titled "The Blue Light" to illustrate the use of myth as a writing tool. Expect beginning writers to use this informative guide along with the author's other books. Recommended for public libraries.DLisa J. Cihlar, Monroe P.L., WI
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review
"You could struggle through learning the basics of storytelling by trial anbd error or you could just read this book. I wish I had this fifteen years ago."—Sara Pariott, screenwriter for The Runaway Bride

"For me, the mythological approach has indeed been the key to creating stories that have a far greater impact on the reader than anything I'd written before."—Tess Collins, author of The Law of Blood and The Law of Revenge

"Well-written and witty how-to."—Library Journal

"Everything I know about plotting a novel, I learned from Frey."—Marjorie Reynolds, author of The Starlite Drive-In

Most helpful customer reviews

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
He bases the archetypal Western "story" on ancient myths (they do compare pretty well) and recommends how to go about writing yo
By TJM
This is interesting. Frey has broken down several successful plots (movie and book) and found a similar pattern -- not just of climax and denouement, but of theme and character. He bases the archetypal Western "story" on ancient myths (they do compare pretty well) and recommends how to go about writing your own story based on this framework. Its simplicity and broad-based appeal would seem most applicable to pop-genre fiction and movies (even non-genre movies). Literary, it is not -- nor postmodern nor poetry. (It could be epic poetry.) But it's definitely the map of the skeleton of some of the most popular and satisfying stories.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Another good one by Frey
By Amazon Customer
All of James N. Frey's books are excellent. And entertaining. This one covers novel writing from the requirements and characteristics of the quest, a format that seems to fit most of the novels written today, either loosely or quite closely.

There are other books on this subject, including Joseph Campbell's works and Christopher Vogler's The Writer's Journey. There are important differences in Frey's book. It is written by a fiction writer for fiction writers. It is a quicker read and an easy one. And Frey shows us how to actually build a novel, using the power of myth. And he does this right in his book. So you get explanations but also enlightening examples constantly.

Some feel that we need Campbell and Vogler for an indepth treatment of myth. Phooey. We don't need to become myth scholars. What those of us need to know is the characteristics of quest fiction so that when we wish we can use them in the building of our fiction. The Key provides plenty of that.

Whether building the Parthenon or the pyramids, the ancients created with a wisdom that often astonishes us. So it is with the power of myth. Get this book and learn what you need to know.

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
DAMN GOOD ADVICE FOR WRITERS
By Tami D. Cowden
Go to just about any writing workshop, and you'll hear advice to employ the "power of myth." All this is really means is to use ageless storytelling techniques. But unlike a lot of instructors, Frey gives excellent advice on HOW to do just that.
Frey understands that plot arises out of character, and so he focuses on the character interaction, and the use of archetypal - mythic -- patterns for development. Throughout the book, he offers many examples from well-known sources, enabling the reader to see the commonalities between very diverse characters and stories.
Another bonus of this book is the illustration of the techniques described in Frey's other works. We see how character bios aid the writing in understanding the character - even if much of that bio never shows up in the novel or screenplay. The journals "written" by the characters demonstrate the importance of getting inside the heads of characters, a method that aids the writer to understand the character's motivation. I particularly appreciate the advice to use this method will all important characters, not just protaoonists. Villains and secondary characters require the writer's understanding, too.
While in many respects, the underlying information here is not very different from that provided by Swain, McKee or Vogler, (but then, how could it not be similar? - all concern story structure) Frey's explanation is more accessible. Being a writing book junkie, I'd say buy `em all. But if you can only get one about story - this is probably the one to get.

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When Hillary Clinton spoke of "a vast right-wing conspiracy" determined to bring down the president, many people dismissed the idea. Yet if the first lady's accusation was exaggerated, the facts that have since emerged point toward a covert and often concerted effort by Bill Clinton's enemies--abetted by his own reckless behavior--which led inexorably to impeachment. Clinton's foes launched a cascade of well-financed attacks that undermined American democracy and nearly destroyed the Clinton presidency.

In vivid prose, Joe Conason and Gene Lyons, two award-winning veteran journalists, identify the antagonists, reveal their tactics, trace the millions of dollars that subsidized them, and examine how and why mainstream news organizations aided those who were determined to bring down Bill Clinton, The Hunting of the President may very well be the All the President's Men of this political regime.

• Sales Rank: #72620 in Books
• Published on: 2001-02-03
• Released on: 2001-02-03
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 8.50" h x .96" w x 5.50" l, 1.21 pounds
• Binding: Paperback
• 448 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780312273194
• Condition: New
• Notes: BRAND NEW FROM PUBLISHER! 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Tracking provided on most orders. Buy with Confidence! Millions of books sold!

Amazon.com Review
Unhappy reading for Republicans or political naïfs, The Hunting of the President is the story of a sustained and well-funded effort to discredit and defeat Bill Clinton, dating from his gubernatorial days in Arkansas and eventually leading to his impeachment trial. Award-winning journalists Joe Conason and Gene Lyons have crafted a tale as compulsively readable as a political thriller--paced, and at times worded, like a summer bestseller. Although they provide ample evidence of backstabbing, revenge, deceit, conniving, and "dirty tricks" in the struggle to oust Clinton, arguing that "the better the president and the country did, the more his adversaries appeared willing to endorse almost anything short of assassination to do him in," they also acknowledge that Clinton's reckless behavior, along with the "panicky, defensive, and occasionally less-than-perfectly-honest" responses of the White House press office, didn't hurt his opponents. Investigative journalism at its juiciest, The Hunting of the President is a surprising valediction to a far-from-angelic public leader who often outmaneuvered his enemies with otherworldly skill. --Regina Marler

From Publishers Weekly
Conason and Lyons (Fools for Scandal), veteran journalists respectively for the New York Observer and the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, argue that if the opposition to the Clintons didn't quite constitute a "vast right-wing conspiracy," as the First Lady famously alleged, it was at the very least a "loose cabal" of "Clinton adversaries,... an angry gallery of defeated politicians,... right-wing pamphleteers, wealthy eccentrics, zany private detectives, religious fanatics and die-hard segregationists." They reveal how notable right-wingers like Richard Mellon Scaife (heir to the Carnegie Mellon fortune) and Jerry Falwell bankrolled the muckraking that led to scandals like Whitewater and Troopergate, neither of which, the authors claim, ever produced evidence of Clinton misconduct. Conason and Lyons also point out the ultraconservative credentials of Paula Jones's supporters, including Kenneth Starr, who privately abetted the harassment suit before he was appointed as a supposedly independent counsel. But what disturbs Conason and Lyons even more than the zeal of these conservative critics is the conduct of the national press. They make a case that their colleagues at the New York Times, Washington Post and elsewhere colluded with the most unsavory elements of the fringe right to bring unverified and frequently libelous allegations into the center of the mainstream media. The story of the Clinton scandals is a tortuous, labyrinthine puzzle, and Conason and Lyons do their best to simplify it. But their cast of characters is enormous, and their research overwhelming. Readers may not ultimately agree with the authors that the tactics of the Clinton enemies were worse than any mistake made by the president, but they will nevertheless gain a considerably more balanced and complex picture of the road to impeachment. 16 pages b&w photos. (Mar.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
"The most successful and long-running 'dirty tricks' campaign in recent American history" is the theme of this book by two veteran journalists: Conason, columnist for the New York Observer and Salon, and Lyons (Fools for Scandal: How the Media Invented Whitewater, LJ 8/96) of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Their sprawling tale begins in Arkansas in 1989, as Governor Clinton prepared to run for reelection, and ends in Washington when the Lewinsky story broke in 1998. The authors say little about the Clintons themselves but instead set out to impeach their enemies, some of them unfamiliar names, others as familiar as Jones, Tripp, and Starr. Their reporting, thickly documented with citations to newspapers, books, Congressional and other official reports, trial records, archives, web sites, television broadcasts, videos, print and online magazines, and interviews with sources named and unnamed, makes a firm case that the President and his wife have been pursued by many scoundrels. Most public libraries will want the book, as will those academic libraries wishing to thoroughly document the Clinton years.
---Robert F. Nardini, North Chichester, NH
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Most helpful customer reviews

41 of 41 people found the following review helpful.
Why no one should blindly accept the truth of news accounts
By A Customer
Having followed this story both in Gene Lyons' book "Fools for Scandal" and in the coverage in Salon e-zine, there is not a lot of "new" information here. However, both the contents of the book and the criticisms of it make it clear that the Washington Post and the New York Times have made a mess of this story from the start; and the obfuscations continue. Even the reviews of the book mis-state its point and attack the authors on an ad hominem basis rather than refute its arguments. Just recently, President Clinton pointed to the Pilsbury Madison report (which was ignored or buried in the NY Times when it came out, and not mentioned since) as a reason why he did not need a pardon; once again the Times did not see fit to bringup the fact that the report cleared the Clintons of Whitewater years ago.

55 of 57 people found the following review helpful.
It's not the sex, it's the fascism.
By Andy Lewis
THOTP exposes the rabid segregationists, loonie multimillionaires, corrupt jurisprudence and unprofessional reporters at the heart of the investigatory madness that culminated in impeachment.
In the end there was no Whitewater scandal, no Filegate scandal, no Travelgate scandal, and no credible claim of sexual harassment. There was only a blue dress, which - thanks to the nightmarish gibbering of a press corps gone mad - was elevated into grounds for overturning two elections. Lyons and Conason go a long way toward explaining how it happened.

41 of 42 people found the following review helpful.
Scary!
By A Customer
Before you criticize this book, read it. If the average citizen (of whatever political agenda) is not frightened by the misuse of the judicial and legislative process DOCUMENTED in this sordid tale of a failed coup, then maybe we don't have any light at the end of the democracy tunnel. I hope the facts in this original and well-researched book reach more folks like me, who are(was) unaware of just how far powerful cliques are willing to go to have their own brand of American "democracy". Reading "Silence of the Lambs" was like reading a nursery rhyme compared to the fear I felt as I turned the pages to bear witness to this all-out assault on fairness and justice which was assisted by some of the most respected names(I previously thought) of our "free press". Buy it, but don't read it alone on a dark night.

See all 206 customer reviews...

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To millions of fans, All About Eve represents all that's witty and wonderful in classic Hollywood movies. Its old-fashioned, larger-than-life stars--including Bette Davis, Marilyn Monroe, Anne Baxter, George Sanders, and Celeste Holm--foudn their best roles in Eve and its sophisticated dialogue has entered the lexicon.
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• Sales Rank: #978916 in Books
• Published on: 2000-03-18
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 1.36" h x 5.81" w x 8.57" l,
• Binding: Hardcover
• 320 pages

Amazon.com Review
Like the movie it celebrates, Sam Staggs's All About All About Eve is good, gossipy fun. The book is exhaustively researched, from behind-the-scenes anecdotes to a talk with the original, mysterious "Eve" who sparked the dinner party conversation that inspired the magazine story that eventually became one of the best movies ever made. The book spirals outward from the movie as well, chronicling the subsequent careers of the principals (and an ingenue newcomer named Marilyn Monroe), the life of writer-director Joseph L. Mankiewicz, and even the ill-fated romance of stars Bette Davis and Gary Merrill. It is, of course, the legendary on-set cattiness that is the focus of the book's first half (Celeste Holm claims that Bette Davis responded to her initial "Good morning" with a tart "Oh shit, good manners," and the two never spoke again; cast members dish about George Sanders's then-wife Zsa Zsa Gabor), but the overall tone of the book is one of affection and a deep fascination for even the smallest aspects of the film. A true fan, Staggs analyzes the position of All About Eve in its own time and in the camp culture of today, notes its influence on innumerable subsequent films, and even chronicles the somewhat manufactured "feud" between Bette Davis and Tallulah Bankhead that developed over Davis's characterization of Margo Channing. To keep it from getting too weighty, Staggs punctuates the book with sidebars, paying tribute to the career of Walter Hampden, the elderly actor who presents the Sarah Siddons award, and even working in a match-the-famous-quote-to-the-French-subtitle quiz. All About All About Eve succeeds best in its main purpose--making you want to watch the movie one more time. --Ali Davis

From Publishers Weekly
"Fans.... They're juvenile delinquents, mental defectives. They never see a play or a movie--they're never indoors long enough!" exclaims Bette Davis's Margo Channing in the camp classic All About Eve. This seems especially ungrateful language given that uber-fan Staggs (MMII) has interviewed all of the surviving members of the cast and crew and compiled every possible fact, factoid and rumor about Joseph Mankiewicz's 1950s Oscar-winning tale of backstage back-stabbing in the Broadway theater. He details the evolution of the story, the filming, the stars' lives and the story's later incarnation as a Broadway musical. His book bears up under the weight of all this trivia not only because he has uncovered so much captivating material, but also because he uses it to illuminate larger themes. Staggs's comparison of similar dialogue from Eve and Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? illustrates the complexities of cultural influence, while his investigation of whether Tallulah Bankhead was the real-life model for Margo Channing becomes a meditation on the role of the bitch-goddess-diva in popular culture. Most startling of all, he has actually tracked down the young actress who was the model for the deviously ambitious Eve Harrington and tells her alarming, lamentable story. Written in a chatty style that can be laugh-out-loud-funny (actor Hugh Marlow is described as "one of those slow-burning, carbohydrate actors who all look like versions of Gregory Peck"), Stagg's engaging study should be the last word on this enduring classic. B&w photos not seen by PW. (Mar.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
The 1950 Oscar-winning film All About Eve, a movie about ambition and backbiting in the theater world, has become a critical and a cult classic. In this account of the movie, journalist and "filmlorist" Staggs (MM II) colors his treatment of the origins, influences, and spin-offs of the Bette Davis vehicle with fact, rumor, and all shades in between. The result is a truly comprehensive filmography (as in "biography")--with limited readership appeal. Most readers will lap up the off-screen anecdotes about the movie's stars and makers, but only diehard fans will appreciate Staggs's analysis of the film's homoerotic overtones, his itemization of production-related expenses, and his unconvincing comparisons to Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Most compelling is Staggs's quest to track down the "real" Eve, the scheming ingenue who flatters, ingratiates, and eventually connives her way to the top. Superbly referenced, this is recommended for collections that emphasize popular culture.
-Jayne Plymale, Aiken, SC
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Most helpful customer reviews

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
and wonderful comments by the author
By Iris K. Jarecke
a very informative book with facts about the cast, crew, and family of the movie, as well as opinions, gossip, and wonderful comments by the author. I highly recommend this book.

1 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Way too much about All About Eve
By John m Sugrue
One of the best films about Hollywood (okay, okay, it takes place in the theater, but look between the lines, people) gets the overblown treatment in this tell-all book. For every piece of very interesting information (Bankhead vs. Davis, Davis vs. Holmes, director vs. studio), there are pages and pages of information which, while key to the making of "AAE", read like the resumes of people who died two decades ago.
Still, "All About 'All About Eve'" still manages to pull out a few surprises. If you are a hopeless Margo Channing fan, buy and enjoy. Otherwise, visit your the local library and skim through the pages.

11 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
great dish
By bill katovsky
i came to the film late in my life, only last year, but the wait was worth it. all about eve made me mourn for a forgotten art form in cinema: sophisticated dialogue that packs an urbane wallop. the author matches the film with his passion and enthusiasm. great dish, great writing, great anecdotes. there should be another oscar category for books about hollywood. i nominate this gem; i only wish i could get my hands on mankiewicz's screenplay--perhaps a canny publisher will read this and take heed.

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> Get Free Ebook All We Are Saying: The Last Major Interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono, by David Sheff

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Twenty years ago David Sheff climbed the back steps of the Dakota into the personal thoughts and dreams of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. From the kitchen to the studio and up those fateful Dakota steps, Sheff recorded 20 hours of tape, discussing everything from childhood to the Beatles.

Sheff gives a rare and last glimpse of John and Yoko, one that seemed to look beyond the kitchen table to the future of the world with startling premonitions of what was to come.

• Sales Rank: #1306666 in Books
• Published on: 2000-12-08
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 8.26" h x .67" w x 6.66" l, .60 pounds
• Binding: Paperback
• 192 pages

Amazon.com Review
John Lennon could be angry, as he is in Lennon Remembers: The Full Rolling Stone Interviews from 1970, and nasty, as proven by Albert Goldman's brilliant, scathing The Lives of John Lennon.

But he could also be charming, smart, and extraordinarily witty, as he is in his last interview, published in book form as All We Are Saying. Co-interviewee Yoko Ono is charm-free but valuable, because she sparks the conversation and brings up fascinating stuff that Lennon wished she hadn't, like their mad plots to kidnap her daughter from her ex-husband. As interviewer David Sheff's tape rolls, John and Yoko's anecdotes flow effortlessly: the joys of making their 1980 comeback album, Double Fantasy; the mortifying horrors of John's "lost weekend" in L.A. with Harry Nilsson; John's interestingly twisted family life; John and Yoko and Paul's last get-together, watching Saturday Night Live the night producer Lorne Michaels offered the Beatles $3,200 to reunite on the show (they almost got in a cab and did it!).

Best of all is Lennon's song-by-song account of who wrote which famous tunes and where they came from. "Strawberry Fields" contains an entire childhood memoir, and the production reflects Paul's alleged "sabotage" of Lennon's work. "Please Please Me" was based on a Roy Orbison melody and Bing Crosby's punning song title "Please (Lend an Ear to My Pleas)." The "element'ry penguins" in "I Am the Walrus" refer to idiots like Allen Ginsberg who chant "Hare Krishna" worshipfully. "Hey Jude" was Paul's song comforting John's son Julian when John left his family for Yoko, and Paul's unconscious, reluctant farewell to his writing partner ("go out and get her").

Lennon had been publicly silent and artistically dormant for five years before these interviews, and he was just bursting with the exhilaration of the rebirth of his imagination days before his death. Reading this book is like sharing a day in the life of a very happy man. --Tim Appelo

From Booklist
As the song goes, it was 20 years ago today . . . when John Lennon sat down in his Dakota home with wife, Yoko, for a Playboy interview. It was also just a few months before Lennon was killed. Lennon and Ono touched on many different subjects, including Lennon's disappearance from the public arena for five years to be a househusband; the release of the couple's then-new album, Double Fantasy; and more dishy subjects like the Beatles' breakup and John's relationship with Yoko. The interview was a newsmaker at the time, and in retrospect, it is a crucial piece of Beatle history. Ilene Cooper
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Review
"A fascinating, detailed glimpse into the workings of a musical genius.... A valuable piece of work." -- New York Times Book Review

"The interview is lively proof that some of the best Lennon/Ono art was their life." -- Time Magazine

"The interview would hardly have been less engrossing and important even if it were not illuminated by tragedy." -- Los Angeles Times

Most helpful customer reviews

23 of 24 people found the following review helpful.
As close as we'll ever get to a Lennon Autobiography
By Cactus Ed
Actually I have the original version of this book, The Playboy Interviews, but since I'm an avid collector of "all things Lennon" I'll probably buy this newer version as well. But man! What a great read this book is! I learned so much about John here in his own words. Do people remember when he was shot, and the current issue of Playboy had just come out with the John & Yoko interview? Man, I clutched that thing like a bible in those sad sad days of December 1980. That interview turned out to be just a portion of the whole interview, and now that is published in this book. A cautionary note: reading this book can re-awaken your love and feelings for John and the Beatles, and this can lead to some pretty serious melancholia. Twenty-plus years later! I still ponder the what-ifs of it all, if John had been allowed to live - for instance, how would that Beatles Anthology thing on Tee Vee had been with a living John? And would there have ever been a Beatles reunion? ( I doubt it.) Not to mention how the politics of the Reagan-80s if John had been there to help out! Anyway, buy this book. It is still very valid and even timeless in its depth and scope.

13 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
Primary source
By kennedy19
John Lennon gave two interviews in particular that were extraordinary for their length, depth, and honesty. One was his famous "Lennon Remembers" interviews with Rolling Stone in 1970, and the other was this one, shortly before his death in 1980. Lennon was a complex man, and it is interesting to compare his attitudes among the two milestone interviews. Yet this one (conducted over several days) stands alone for its insights into Lennon's personal life, his relationship with Yoko, his philosophising, and his song-by-song discussion of his work, both with the Beatles and afterwards. It offers an unprecedented glimpse into his mindset and outlook at the time of his death, filled with the usual engaging Lennon wit and wisdom. Lennon comes across not just as a vital source of information about his own life and career but as an interesting conversationalist, period. We are also treated to Sheff's brief glimpses of Lennon and Ono at work on their "Double Fantasy" album. This book is an important document for anyone interested in the man or his music.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Across the Universe
By Christine Todd
Drew Barrymore, who is not someone I'd particularly credit with a great deal of intelligence, said something a few months ago in Rolling Stone that I think is close to profound. She said that if you have a question for the universe, put it out there and a John Lennon song will answer you back. As we all know, this is true, and if you ever need reminding, here's the book that will do it. It's the real insider's scoop - during these interviews you get the feeling that Lennon was really trying to set the record straight on quite a few things: and not by making nice all the time, either. Just by being frank and honest and egoless about his life.
Here is a man who went through a lot of heartbreak and withstood it. Not only did he survive - he survived it without a lot of baggage. He came out the other end happy, and these interviews let you in on how he did it. Inevitably sad, since we know what's about to hit him, this book is ultimately very inspiring.

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Someone wants to get closer to news anchorwoman Eliza Blake - even if it takes murder to do it. In order to stay alive Eliza has to answer the five key questions: What does Eliza do to get letters from fans and threatening notes from fanatics? When should Eliza start worrying that she and her young daughter are in mortal danger? Where is the stalker hiding? Is her tormentor right before her eyes? Why have so many people become obsessed with getting closer to her? Who is no longer content with just watching? It could be anyone with a television set. Tense and terrifying, CLOSE TO YOU is Mary Jane Clark at her page-turning best.

• Sales Rank: #1466727 in Books
• Published on: 2001-09-10
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 1.00" h x 6.42" w x 9.60" l,
• Binding: Hardcover
• 336 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Smooth is the word for this expert thriller by CBS producer and writer Clark (Let Me Whisper in Your Ear, etc.). Moving along effortlessly and unhurriedly, acquiring characters and subplots as it goes, and always focusing on the climax the reader knows will come when the killer finally makes his move, Clark's tale delivers the goods. Eliza Blake, anchor for the KEY Evening Headlines, is a 30-something celebrity, beautiful, smart and good at her job; she is also a single mother determined to be a good parent. As the novel begins, she has just vacated her New York apartment for a house in the suburbs, intent on escaping memories of her husband's death by cancer. Unfortunately, just after she moves, she begins to receive a fresh crop of threatening phone calls and letters. Hate mail is an occupational hazard for a new anchor, it seems, not to be taken too seriously unless, as in this case, the ante gets raised. Eliza finds herself threatened by several obsessives, two of whom may be dangerous, one of whom has killed before. These people are clever, not easy to detect or to catch. Clark's depiction of the stalkers who plague celebrities disturbs and convinces, and her characters come alive on the page: criminal, sick, genuinely evil, or simply flawed and very human. This is an excellent psychological thriller that will keep readers pleasantly bound to the page. Author tour.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

Review

“[An] expert tale...delivers the goods.” ―Publishers Weekly

“Clark's story retains its suspense throughout.” ―Newark Star-Ledger

“A frightening-- and firsthand-- look at the darker side of celebrity.” ―Sun Herald (Colusa, CA)

About the Author
Mary Jane Clark is the author of four novels. She is a producer and a writer at CBS News in New York City. She lives in northern New Jersey.

Most helpful customer reviews

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Gripping Suspense
By A Customer
I couldn't put this page-turner down. Stalkers come in all shapes and sizes -- even genders, and Eliza Blake (from Clark's debut thriller) is the perfect target, smart and self-assured, even when the letters and phone calls become increasingly menacing. The reader finds out who's getting closer and closer only when Eliza does -- and then it's too late! Immensely enjoyable. When I'm watching Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer these days, I can only wonder who else is watching . . . and planning God-knows-what. I strongly recommend Mary Jane Clark's latest, and very readable, suspenser.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Good story spoiled by way too many characters & subplots ...
By Jerry Bull
We've felt the same way after all four of M.J. Clark's four novels of mystery and suspense set in the interesting venue of "Key News", no doubt a knock-off of CBS News where our author toils in real life. Her stories are invariably entertaining and suspenseful, even though her female leading characters verge on Wonder Women. And one eventually gets used to her one- and two-page (or less!) chapter lengths. But we really don't need three main plots and three sub-plots in one fairly short novel, much less the several dozen characters it takes to populate all those mini-stories.
The tale this time is about Eliza Blake, reprised from Clark's first novel "Do You Want to Know a Secret?", who now anchors the evening news broadcast. Two or more viewers, not to mention some of her co-workers, are taking way too much interest in Blake, leading to three variations of a stalking problem, two different male romances gone awry, and one potential female liaison thrown in for good measure! As before, Eliza is so perfect it's clear she's Clark's vision of a modern, progressive, gorgeous, single female parent on the pedestal personified, which gets just a little tiresome after a while. But even more tiresome is the seemingly endless cast of characters and plot details that only sap strength from the main story.
We've complained loudly about this same "clutter" in MJ's three earlier works. We guess there's just no recourse but too quit now before we invest any more time in an author who otherwise has tremendous potential. Can't an editor do something here?

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Predictable
By A Customer
With Close To You, Mary Jane Clark has an interesting premise but turns it into a disappointing novel. At under 300 pages, it's is certainly a quick read, but Clark fails to deliver genuine suspense. The so called "thrilling" sequences in the book are much too short, barely giving the reader time to think about what's going on. On top of this, the novel is quite predictable. Anyone with half a brain could figure out the identity of the killer within thirty pages.
One could forgive the predictability if the characters were well developed, but unfortunately, Ms. Clark didn't do this either. Other than the novel's heroine, we don't get much of a backstory for any character.
Mary Jane Clark has a long way to go before she can join the ranks of the great suspense novelists, such as James Patterson and John Sandford. All and all, you could easily find something worse to read than Close To You, but the real question is, why would you waste your time with it when there are so many better books out there?

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The doctor America trusts now shows you how to live longer and feel better!

World-renowned medical expert Dr. Robert C. Atkins has shown millions how to lose weight and keep it off, eating the foods they like without being hungry. Now he presents a revolutionary program to give you a longer, better, healthier life.

This new plan is not just a diet, it's an easy-to-stay-with regimen that combines nutrition and vitanutrient supplements into a unique, age-defying program.

You'll learn the safest, surest ways to help:
--Add many more years to your life
--Boost your immune defenses
--Enhance brain function and memory
--Reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease
--Lose weight without restricting calories
--Combat adult-onset diabetes

Through his bestselling books and his Atkins Center for Complementary Medicine, Americans have trusted Dr. Robert C. Atkins with their health and diet concerns for over twenty-five years. Now he shows us a clear, effective way to feel younger, stronger, healthier, and more energized!

• Sales Rank: #1227482 in Books
• Brand: St. Martin's Press
• Published on: 2000-01-15
• Released on: 1999-12-28
• Original language: English
• Dimensions: 10.00" h x 6.00" w x .75" l,
• Binding: Hardcover
• 335 pages

Features

• Great product!

Amazon.com Review
Dump the food pyramid that the American Dietetics Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Institutes of Health, and the American Cancer Society all implore you to follow for the sake of your health. Take antioxidant supplements (but skip most of the foods that naturally contain these nutrients). Eat a high-protein diet that has received the thumbs-down from major medical and nutrition experts and associations and has been deemed especially dangerous for women, as it depletes the body's calcium stores. If you believe that Dr. Atkins somehow knows better than all those experts and organizations, here's his latest--a plan to defy aging through eating a high-protein, low-carbohydrate diet, taking lots of supplements, optimizing your hormones, detoxifying your body through chelation therapy, exercising, and taking brain-boosters like ginkgo biloba. Free radicals, insulin resistance, sugar--these are the reasons we age, get sick, and get fat, insists Atkins, not dietary fat. Eggs are good for you. The cholesterol you eat does not affect the cholesterol in your blood, he says. He scoffs at "the unholy alliance among the American Heart Association, American Medical Association, American Diabetes Association, and U.S. government in its many manifestations (FDA, Department of Agriculture, NIH, et al.)." One wonders why Atkins thinks all these medical organizations would band together to promote an unhealthy diet and not herald Atkins as a genius if, indeed, he had the answer.

From Publishers Weekly
The author of Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution argues here that the use of supplements and a change in diet can eliminate many health problems, including cardiovascular disease, diabetes and stroke. Most diets focus on reducing the consumption of fat rather than cutting back on sugar; according to Atkins, people should reconsider their intake of both. Along with an explanation of how the body processes chemicals, Atkins examines the negative impact of carbohydrates, explaining that their refining "is in reality the greatest unacknowledged cause of death in world history." He discusses the equally damaging impact of free radicals and offers advice on which supplements everyone should be taking, including Vitamin C, Vitamin E and lipoic acid, among others. The actual diet portion of the book is only about 70 pages and does not include a meal-by-meal plan or caloric charts, omissions serious dieters will notice. Instead, Atkins continues to promote the two key principles--everyone, regardless of their weight, must reduce the amount of carbohydrates they consume, and everyone should also eat a variety of antioxidants, primarily from vegetables, fruits and supplements. Atkins's philosophy on taking supplements and eating a range of foods is sound, though other physicians may well question the doses he recommends. Author tour.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
His first book since the best-selling New Diet Revolution.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Most helpful customer reviews

150 of 154 people found the following review helpful.
You need this book!
By Jeffrey Capshew
Dr Atkins has synthesized all off the latest research on nutrition and aging and has put together a up-to-date plan to help extend your life and improve the quality too. This is the best book on the subject since the bestselling classic, Life Extension, by Dirk Pearson and Sandy Shaw, from the late '70's. The difference with Atkins book though, is that he cites a lot of credible research that will become accepted at some point by the medical community. He is ahead of his time as usual. The gist of the book is to tell readers what steps they need to take to promote heart and brain health, mostly through diet and readily available nutritional supplements. He contends that many of the most common diseases can be delayed or avoided by following his regimen. This is an important book, a gift from Dr. Atkins to people interested in their own healthful longevity.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Book is fine, tells what you wNt to know
By Nellita f.
Book is fine , tells what you wNt to know about

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
The TRUTH about Dr. Atkins death
By Crystal Lane
It is astonishing to read the slam pieces here about Dr. Atkins so-called obesity and overweight condition at the time of his death. Here are the facts:
* He previously had a heart condition called cardiomyopathy -- a serious disease of the heart muscle which is unrelated to diet.
* He died of a head injury because of an accident falling on slippery ice and not of being overweight.
* His actual weight was 200 pounds when he was admitted to the hospital at the time of his accident. The erroneous reports of him weight 258 lbs was based on his weight at the time of his death. The extra weight was not fat, but an accumulation of body fluids linked to organ failure during his coma.
* His previous reported heart attack was due to a viral infection and not diet related. He spoke openly of his condition on various national news programs.
* The report that was released about him being overweight was leaked to the press by a group named "Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine", which is an ardent opponent of the Atkins diet. In short, they distorted his weight by reporting the weight at the time of death - 258 lbs, and not at the time of his admittance - 200 lbs...an obvious attempt to discredit and distort the facts surrounding Dr. Atkins death.
* A formal complaint has been filed by the Medical Examiner of New York regarding the suspicious leak of this information to the public by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine."
* The disinformation surrounding Dr.Atkins untimely death is politically driven by the AMA and other detractors of the diet.
Dr. Atkins book, New Diet Revolution has turned the AMA and other nutritional views upside down and has created a furor over the standard edicts of the medical profession. What is not said among the detractors of the Diet is that it is safe and it works. The information contained in this book will not only help you lose weight, it could save your life. The food industry, especially the bread and pasta industry have lost hundreds of millions of dollars because of the low carb revolution. Is it any wonder that this diet is under so much fire? Keep an open mind and read the book.
As a side note, ignor the mumbo-jumbo rantings and ravings of the "Elixir Diet" system. The hatred and mis-information spread by the reviewer is evidence enough that the Elixir system is phony as a three cent penny. Nuff said. The guy hasn't even read the Atkins book! Sheesh.

See all 47 customer reviews...

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We Love Each Other, But...offers simple, practical tips that will help you restore and strengthen a relationship that has gone off track. It lays out the nuts and bolts of building relationships so they continue to be gratifying over the long haul. Dr. Ellen Wachtel shows how, even when you feel like giving up on a relationship or marriage, you can recapture why you fell in love in the first place. Dr. Wachtel promises that there is more and suggests simple ways to keep vitality in relationships. In fact, she shows you and your partner how you can stay interested in each other for the rest of your lives.

• Sales Rank: #266116 in Books
• Published on: 2000-02-14
• Released on: 2000-02-14
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Dimensions: 8.19" h x .56" w x 5.57" l, .65 pounds
• Binding: Paperback
• 224 pages

Review

“What a gift from an expert in the field. We Love Each Other, But... is as warm as it is wise. In fact, it was hard to put down. Dr. Ellen Wachtel's ideas can be put into practice immediately and will help couples in all stages of marriage. You don't need to have problems to benefit--this book will make a good relationship even better. It's the kind of solid, commonsensical advice couples need in today's fast-paced world.” ―Sharyn Wolf, author of Guerrila Dating Tactics and How to Stay Lovers For Life

“A wonderful accessible, and practical guide for couples seeking to avoid affairs, make good sense out of those shaky moments that inevitably challenge even the healthiest relationships, and last the course happily together.” ―Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair

“Dr. Ellen Wachten is special in the field of family therapy, and this book shows her at her best. She is a highly skilled professional, but more than being smart, she is wise. Best of all, she meets her readers as she does her clients, with true personal openness and candor. In addition to learning important skills, readers of this enjoyable book will be able to address their problems with the help of a comforting, reassuring friend.” ―Donald A. Bloch, M.D., president of American Family Therapy Academy

About the Author

Dr. Ellen F. Wachtel, author of We Love Each Other, But... is widely known in the field of marriage and family therapy. She has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree from Harvard Law School. She has taught at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, New York University, the City University of New York, and New York City's St. Lukes-Roosevelt Hospital. Married for more than thirty years and the mother of two grown children, she lives in New York City.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT
Chapter 1Four Basic Truths About What Makes Love LastIt was a real question. He really wanted to know. "How did we get to this place? How did it get so bad? We started out crazy about each other, and look at us now." John was truly perplexed and sad about what his wife, Lori, had just said. She had described feeling that John wasn't very interested in her anymore. He would rather be with other people and do almost anything other than spend time alone with her. John had no real answer to this. In his heart he knew Lori was right. Deep down he thought he still loved her, but he wasn't 100 percent sure of it. He knew he wanted to love her. It upset him to know that he hurt her, but he didn't know how to fix what had gone wrong."What went wrong?" is a question I hear from almost every couple I counsel. And as often as I hear it, I am always saddened by how love can unravel if care isn't taken to preserve it.This chapter will tell you the four basic truths about what makes relationships work well, and what can lead to the erosion of relationships that started out with solid foundations. Like all basic truths they are obvious, known by almost everyone but all too easily forgotten. Don't be deceived by their simplicity. Asmany of you have come to know, keeping one's eye, mind, and heart on the basics can lead to profound changes in outlook. When I describe these truths to the often very upset and angry couples I work with, the atmosphere in the room changes to one of rapt attention. There are flashes of recognition and a sense of finally understanding what had happened to their relationship.This chapter lays out the building blocks for a successful relationship. Just as I do with the couples who see me in my office, I will tell you how to translate these basic truths into new ways of interacting so that you and your spouse feel truly loved and appreciated.Truth #1: We Love Those Who Make Us Feel Good About OurselvesIf you remember this one point, you will get enough out of this book to give your marriage a good shot at success. And in my experience working with couples whose marriages are in trouble, this simple truth is frequently ignored.Richard and Jackie came to me for counseling after feeling disillusioned with their seven-year marriage. Jackie, a thirty-four-year-old accountant, works long hours "for not enough money." Before work she struggles to get three-year-old Amanda up, dressed, and fed quickly so that she can drop her at nursery school before going to work. Richard, a thirty-five-year-old electrical engineer, works in a distant suburb. He leaves the house before Jackie and Amanda are out of bed. When he gets home at about seven P.M., the baby-sitter leaves and he starts dinner so that they can eat when Jackie gets home at eight or eight-thirty.In a recent session, Jackie shrugged and said half-apologetically,"It's hard to explain what's bothering me. I know my husband loves me, but at my office and with friends--in fact, just about anywhere else--I feel like I get a more positive response than I do from him. Sometimes I think I'm being childish when I want him to compliment me--Richard certainly thinks I am. I know when you've been together as long as we have it's not realistic to want your husband to go gaga over you, but still I'm worried because I feel better when I'm away from him than when I'm with him. I think the problem may be me. It's not as if I think he doesn't love me. Maybe I just need too much ego-stroking.""I feel the same way," said Richard. "But I tell myself to grow up. This is real life, not a romance novel. Everyone in my office thinks I'm great, not only because of the work I do but because they think I'm a decent guy. I'm the one everyone tells their problems to. But at home all I hear is how inattentive I am when Jackie's talking, how I don't do my share of the housework, or how I'm not 'nurturant'--whatever that is!"These are not the only reasons Jackie and Richard have come to see me. This feeling of being unappreciated is just one of the concerns that emerge when I ask them to tell me what has lead them to seek couples counseling. Like so many couples who come to see me, Richard and Jackie are committed to each other and want nothing more than to provide their child with a happy and secure home. They both say with conviction that they love each other. They get along well most of the time, but when a fight erupts it gets out of hand. "Once we get going in an argument," Richard said, "it's scary how much rage seems bottled up, just waiting for a chance to come out."My response is that they should feel concerned, both about the rage and the underlying feeling of not being sufficiently appreciated.Over time, that feeling can erode the love they still have for each other.In my first session with a couple I always ask them to think back to how they made each other feel in the beginning of their relationship. Most couples remember feeling admired, appreciated, valued. Think back to the beginning of your own relationship. Perhaps your spouse thought your sense of humor was wonderfully outrageous. Or that you seemed to be able to talk to just about anybody. Or that you were a walking encyclopedia. Perhaps you thought that he was fantastically creative. Or smart. Or nurturant.You and your partner may have fallen in love slowly and cautiously. Not many people have the head-over-heels movie experience. In fact, you each may have been quite aware of the other's shortcomings and deficiencies. Yet in spite of this, most of the time you made each other feel that some pretty special traits were recognized and valued.So many people I speak with both professionally and informally wish they could recapture that falling-in-love feeling they had in the beginning of their relationship. There is really nothing quite like it--the high of sensing that someone is crazy about you and appreciates your uniqueness, the exhilaration that comes with knowing that you both feel the same way, the pleasurably charged quality to every interaction.We all know that we can't expect to have that courtship feeling in our day-to-day lives. Sure, a romantic holiday can reignite the flames somewhat, but it's never quite the same as in the beginning of the relationship. Some couples do occasionally revisit those moments of romantic intensity through fierce fighting and equally passionate reconciliations. But no matter how sweet the reconciliations, riding a roller coaster of this sort dangerously undermines relationships.Clearly I cannot tell you how to bring back that exquisite feeling of romance you had in the beginning of your relationship. I do believe, however, that you can maintain the fundamental feeling of mutual admiration. In strong relationships, couples continue to give each other ego boosts from time to time, which provide a low voltage charge reminiscent of the early days of the relationship.Many people tell me that they have become upset about their marriage when they catch a glimpse of couples who seem close, tender, and interested in each other. Simply observing an ordinary interaction sets off feelings of sadness and the awareness that something precious has been lost along the way. Sarah, a woman in her midthirties, described sitting across the aisle from a married couple in their sixties who talked together during an entire hour-and-a-half train ride. The interest they seemed to have in one another left Sarah feeling disturbed about her own marriage. Sarah and her husband didn't argue much, but they sure didn't seem nearly as interested in each other as did this couple, who probably had been together many more years. David, who stated that he loved his wife of twenty-five years, was envious of a young colleague whose wife always had breakfast with him so they would have some quiet time to talk before the kids got up. Observing couples in new relationships often evokes wistful longing, despite the fact that you know the couple is in that special stage of love. One woman came to see me after watching the wonderful interaction between her daughter and her daughter's fiance. It became clear to the woman just how matter-of-fact her own relationship had become. Though pleased for her daughter, she felt sad for herself.Are couples who continue to admire each other over stretches of time just lucky to have found one another? My work withcouples has taught me that this is not simply a matter of good fortune. Though a lucky few have genuinely found their soul mates, most couples could give each other that feeling of appreciation if they simply thought to do so.Perhaps this will sound strange, but I have come to the conclusion that many couples just don't know they need to make sure their partner continues to feel admired. Some never thought about it. Others hold the mistaken notion that when you are married you ought to be able to assume that you hold each other in high regard, and that verbalizing it seems superfluous.Expressing Admiration Goes Beyond Saying I Love YouScene: A couple in bed at night after spending the evening helping the kids with homework, paying bills, preparing lunches for the next day, and watching a little television.WIFE: Do you love me?HUSBAND: (with a bit of annoyance in his voice) Of course.WIFE: Why do you say it with that tone?HUSBAND: Because I've told you over and over again and you keep asking.WIFE: I know you tell me, but it sounds so matter-of-fact, and usually it's after I've said it first.HUSBAND: But you know I love you. Why would I be here if I didn't love you?WIFE: Yeah, I guess I know you love me, but why do you love me?HUSBAND: I just do, that's all. Now can we stop talking about it? I really need to get to sleep.WIFE: I mean it. I want to know. Why do you love me?HUSBAND: You're caring. You're nice. I just love you. Now come on, you know I love you.Lights out.The wife in my little scenario is not really uncertain of her husband's love. She's not craving an "I love you," but more specific feedback. After a stressful day in the office and a full evening of mommying, she needs a little ego-stroking. She wants someone to pay attention to her, to make her feel good about herself, to give her a pat on the back. She's feeling unnoticed, unknown except in her role as mother and wife. Even when her husband reaches out to her she experiences his desire for sexual contact as not about her, but simply about his physical needs. She just happens to be the body in bed next to him.Ironically her husband probably feels the same way. People at work think of him as clever, funny, warm, and a lovable nut when it comes to his passion for hockey. Like his wife, he feels unknown at home, unnoticed. And like his wife he knows he is loved but that love doesn't translate into anything that strokes his ego. He tries to connect to his wife through sexual contact but often she seems tired, indifferent, and distracted. She doesn't seem overwhelmed by his skill as a lover--to say the least! The husband who feels this way might not ask "Do you love me?" It is not really the right question, anyway. Instead he might complain that his wife doesn't seem interested at all in his work. Or he might withdraw. Or he might be irritable. He might not be able to put his finger on what is bothering him. All he knows is that somehow he doesn't feel so great when he's at home. 
How to make your partner feel good about himself/herself even when a lot of what he/she does is annoying and disappointing. Many of the couples who come to see me have felt negativelytoward their spouse for quite some time. They feel disappointed, frustrated, and certainly in no frame of mind to admire their partner. Often they feel more like the foreman of a jury that is recommending a guilty verdict than they do the president of their partner's fan club. By the time couples find themselves in a therapist's office, their ability or willingness to make each other feel good about themselves has greatly diminished. Yet with a little direction, even these couples can soon begin giving each other some of the admiration that they so desperately desire.How is that possible? I'm going to tell you what you can easily do at home, but first I'd like to show you a scene from my office.When counseling couples, I begin the first session by asking each person to tell me what concerns him about their marriage. I ask for details so that I can get a sense of the type of interactions that upset them. Then I tell the couple that I'd like to put these concerns on the back burner for a while so that I can see these problems in the larger context of their relationship. I want to know what, if anything, still goes right despite these difficulties. I want to know if there are times when they can still have some fun together. And perhaps most important of all, I want to know what made them fall in love with each other in the first place--and if they can still see any signs of these qualities.This conversation takes place in response to my asking Vicki what made her fall in love with her husband.VICKI: I was temping for the advertising agency where he was an account manager. I noticed him in the cafeteria with a group of people and frankly, I liked his looks. He was cute, kind of boyish-looking. I'm not the type to go over to someone and probably nothing would have happened if he hadn't started talking to me on the elevator one day. One thing led to another and we moved in with each other about six months after we met.THERAPIST: So you were initially attracted to him because he was cute. As you got to know him better, what was it about him that drew you to him, that led you to grow closer and closer?VICKI: Hmm ... I haven't thought about that for a long time. Let me think. Well, I know I liked how many friends he had and that he seemed to go out of his way for them. He really cared about them, and he was eager for me to meet them. He had an easy manner with people, and I liked that. I'm not that way at all.THERAPIST: Was there anything else about him that drew you to him besides his friendly and caring way with people?VICKI: Well, we liked the same things and had fun together doing a lot of crazy stuff. And we seemed to have the same values. I felt like I could just have fun hanging out with him. We didn't need to be doing anything special to have fun with each other.THERAPIST: Anything else? What made him seem like a good person to marry?VICKI: I felt that he really liked kids and wanted to have a family as much as I did.THERAPIST: Here's what I want you to think about. I know that the two of you have had quite a bad time with each other for several years now. Despite all the trouble you've been having, do you ever see any of the things you just described? Do they still exist at all? Like his caring way with people, or the ability to have fun just spending time together. Or the same values.VICKI: Sure I do. He's still awfully good with people. Everybody loves him. He has a million friends.THERAPIST: Is anything else still there?VICKI: I think we have basically the same values and oncein a while, if we manage to avoid a power struggle, we can have some fun together.THERAPIST: Can you say a little more about your husband's way with people? It sounds as if you think he's especially good at it. What does he actually do that you admire?VICKI: He has a way of warmly and affectionately teasing friends that makes each person feel special. I'm not good at that and he's a master at it.As Vicki and I talk about what she still admires and sees positively despite all the tension, her husband's posture relaxes. He turns toward her with a slight smile on his face. Clearly it's been years since he's heard any of this.The session proceeds as I ask the husband the same questions. And as he admiringly describes Vicki's great capacity to enjoy life and the enthusiastic and energetic way that she approached change, Vicki's face softens as she shyly grins.Obviously this brief exchange has not solved the couple's problems. But they have walked out of my office feeling a bit closer and more optimistic than they had an hour before.How does this apply to you? Understanding that you don't have to totally approve of or admire your partner to be able to share your feelings about what you do admire can help you avoid getting to the point where you have to seek couples counseling. Even couples who have negative feelings about one another can usually recognize that they still truly admire some of their partner's qualities.For example, let's say that as you and your wife approach your parked car you see a police officer standing there, pad in hand, about to write out a ticket for an expired meter. Your wife racesup and uses all of her social know-how to convince the police officer to put his ticket pad away.Even if you and your wife have been angry at one another, you can still admire her for this ability. A comment about how she can charm the pants off anybody can help create an atmosphere that encourages the resolution of conflicts, anger, and hurt feelings. I find that it is sometimes helpful for couples to think about how they interact with their children as compared to how they interact with each other. Most people recognize that even though children may do many annoying things, parents still need to praise and recognize their children's positive attributes. Too often couples withhold positive feedback because they think it has been canceled out by disappointments. But withholding admiration and praise because you are angry at your partner is just plain destructive. The more that each of you withholds praise, the more alienated from each other you will become. 
How to convey admiration year after year without getting repetitive. What happens after you've told your partner what you admire about him? You can't keep saying the same things over and over again, because it would become meaningless and lose the power to give that little ego boost that brings you and your partner closer. Here's the trick to giving positive feedback year after year after year.First, practice noticing interactions and behaviors that you like and admire. Most of us do not do this naturally. We tend to focus on what's going wrong rather than on what's going right. But this does not mean that we cannot learn to do so. No more than a handful of many hundreds of clients have not been able to greatly increase their ability to notice positives when they make a conscious effort in that direction. With practice you can easilydevelop a keen eye for such behaviors. This is much easier to do than you realize. When you stop reading this, if you consciously try to observe positives in your partner you will see a lot more than you thought was there.Second, use specific observations to give credibility and power to general statements of admiration. Perhaps you noticed that in my therapy room scenario, Vicki broke down her general admiration into a specific observation. She stated that her husband is good at affectionate teasing. Your spouse will find your feedback fresh and meaningful if you provide details. For example, perhaps you feel your husband has a good sense of humor. A statement such as "It was great the way you got Jimmy to try something new by joking with him--you really have a terrific sense of humor" will mean a lot more to him than simply saying "I think you have a good sense of humor." Or perhaps you notice how your wife spoke to one of her close friends about something that annoyed her, rather than brushing it under the rug the way you tend to do. A statement like "I'm impressed with the way you handled that situation with Sandra. You really know how to be forceful without alienating people" means a lot more than "You're good with people."Let's return to our bedtime scenario. If the husband had mentioned something earlier in the evening about his wife's knack for handling their difficult child--specifically, how well she handled a situation that evening that could have lead to a tantrum--I guarantee that the wife would not have been asking "Do you love me?"So if your spouse is generally good at getting conversations going, telling jokes, keeping confidences, or sticking to an exercise regime, notice instances of these traits and let her know that you've noticed. Or if you are impressed with your partner's ability to stay calm in a crisis, or his creative solutions for tacklingdifficult problems, or her confidence in cooking without a recipe, or his knack of finding good buys, or his taste in clothes, or her ability to remember what she read in the newspaper, let him or her know that you admire these abilities.You may wonder why you should admire your partner when he doesn't admire you. The short answer is that the saying "What goes around comes around" is usually true. When one person in a relationship starts to be more positive, the vicious cycle of hurt and withholding begins to break. But if this is a sticking point, and you just can't see yourself giving this kind of feedback, then I suggest you skip to chapter 6, which deals with what to do when things have gotten very bad between you and your spouse.Truth #2: Most of Us Know What Will Warm Our Partner's HeartThe first counseling session with Kathy and Bob was nearing the end. Kathy had spoken with anger and bitterness about Bob's selfishness. She felt that he had never adjusted to being part of a family, and made decisions on the basis of what was best for him individually. She had become deeply disappointed in the marriage. It hurt her that Bob's career always came first. And though she knew he did love their two kids, he participated very little in family life. "I assume he loves me, too," she had said earlier, "but I don't feel it."Bob was fed up. "I break my butt trying to make a good living and all I get is complaints. The moment I come home she starts in with the list of things I should do or didn't do. She gets on a roll about how irresponsible I am for coming home late. She just doesn't get it ... I work these hours because I need to. All I ever get is criticism."About halfway through the session I asked the couple if theycould put these complaints on hold for the rest of the meeting so that I could get a sense of what had attracted them to each other and what was still good in the relationship despite all of the hurt, anger, and disappointment. It had been years since Kathy and Bob had actually talked about what they loved, liked, and admired about each other. They exchanged shy, cautious glances and half-smiles as they talked. The atmosphere warmed noticeably. My job as the therapist was to keep it going, to build on the tiny bit of goodwill and warmth that had been achieved in the last fifteen or twenty minutes.Here's what I said to them and what I am saying to you: We all know what warms our partner's heart if we stop to think about it. Doing more of what draws your partner to you strengthens the relationship. For one person it might be expressing appreciation for hard work. For another it might be taking pleasure in his spouse's sense of humor. The point is that we all do know what touches the heart of our partner.When people are angry and hurt they gradually stop doing the things that make their partner feel warmly toward them. Often this happens without any plan or conscious decision. Few of us actually decide to withhold or punish, though of course this can happen. Rather, when we feel hurt and angry it just doesn't occur to us to be emotionally generous.I asked Kathy and Bob if they knew what they could do to create warmth between them. Kathy said that she had thought of something. I asked her not to say it aloud but rather to try it out at home. It's really much better to just do it, not talk about it. Talking about it can take away some of the pleasure that the other person experiences, because the actions can seem contrived.Bob was not so sure what would make Kathy soften toward him. I asked him to search his memory for times, perhaps going years back, when Kathy seemed really touched by something hedid. He smiled as he remembered how she used to love the strange little notes he would leave in odd places. And once he practically bought out the apology section of the card shop when he had done something inexcusable."Those things wouldn't do it anymore" said Kathy. "There's too much water under the bridge and I need to see some actions, not notes and cards.""See what I mean?" said Bob. "Nothing I can do will make her warm toward me.""That's not true. I loved it when I knew you were really thinking about me when I wasn't there. You used to bring home little treats for me once in a while or call me during the day just to chat. Thing like that really mean something to me."There are two important points to remember about warming each other's heart:1. The gestures should be small, doable, and not extravagant.2. Make the gesture a part of your everyday interactions.Sure, sending dozens of roses will generally get a big response; so will planning a surprise party, or a romantic weekend away, or giving some expensive gift. But it isn't necessary to make such big gestures, and often, thinking that this is the kind of thing you have to do gets in the way of doing the small, day-to-day things that ultimately mean even more.And remember: You do not have to be feeling great about each other to do the things that warm each other's heart. What you do need is goodwill and a desire to have a loving relationship.So, think about it right now. Do you get a special smile from your wife when you remind her to take her vitamins? If you tell your partner that he should give himself a break and sleep a little later tomorrow, does it seem to warm his heart? If your partner is stressed out about work and you suggest that she spend some time in the evening or on the weekend catching up, does sheseem very appreciative? If you cook your partner's favorite dish, which you haven't made in a long time, or come home from the supermarket with the type of cookies she loved when she was a child, or offer to do one of your partner's chores because he is having a hard few weeks, you will be strengthening the love you have for one another.Do you see what I mean? You probably know a lot of things you could do to make your partner feel closer to you.Whether or not your relationship feels a little rocky, it is important to remember that love needs daily nourishment. 
 
Let's get back to Kathy and Bob. In the next session they reported that they had had a pretty bad argument when Bob told Kathy at the last minute that he was planning to go into the office Saturday afternoon. They both noted that this fight differed from others in that it didn't ruin the whole weekend. On Sunday they went biking with the kids, and everyone got along pretty well. Even the kids fought less than they normally did.When I asked how they had implemented the idea of warming each other's hearts, Bob said that he noticed that, apart from the fight, Kathy was being nicer to him. She offered to make him breakfast one morning when he had to leave the house an hour earlier than usual. "I was shocked--I would never dream of asking her to do that, with her busy schedule. But it felt really nice. She got it! It's a real pain having to leave so early, and I felt as if she were trying to make it a little easier.""I'm glad he noticed but I can't say he did much to warm my heart," Kathy laughingly said. "But he wasn't being particularly bad, either--except for that business of working on Saturday.""Yeah, I guess I forgot about it. You're right."It's important to be realistic. When one person breaks the cycle of withholding, it is not a magic solution. Fights will still occur and your partner is unlikely to respond in kind immediately. Nonetheless I hope you can see from this real-life example that the atmosphere of tension in a relationship begins to soften even when only one person acts emotionally generous. Somehow Kathy and Bob were able to let go of their argument a bit sooner. And in the next session Bob recognized that he had not done his share to create an atmosphere of warmth and love. Eventually there must be reciprocity, but you must be patient.Truth #3: Criticism Erodes LoveWhen Melissa and Steven first started dating they were delighted at how well they seemed to understand each other. Within a few weeks each felt as if they had found their soul mate. They could talk about anything, from movies to their most intense anxieties. Strong trust developed between them and they could say anything to one another--even critical things. They knew the criticism was in the context of love, and though it sometimes hurt they didn't view it as a problem in the relationship. Melissa talked to Steven about how he tended to interrupt people in conversations. She understood that he had grown up in a family in which no one ever let anyone else finish a sentence. She was concerned that this habit could get in the way of his career if he wasn't careful. There were other things that she thought he should change--when he started to eat before everyone had been served, or spoke with his mouth full.Melissa also gave Steven feedback of a deeper sort. She pointed out how argumentative he could be with certain people and that he seemed to have trouble handling authority. Almost everything that Melissa said was well received. Steven had never spoken somuch about himself--Melissa was really able to bring him out. She took such an interest in him and most of what she had to say seemed to be on target.TIME: Eight years laterSCENE: My officeSTEVEN: Everything I do is wrong. I have no common sense! I don't think! I don't care about anyone but myself! That's all I hear. All she does is criticize me. She says she wants a more equal relationship when it comes to child care, but when she comes home from work she gives me the third degree about how much time I actually spent with each kid and how much time I let them watch videos. Then she starts in on me about what I fed the kids and quizzes me about the chores I didn't get to. I get a pit in my stomach when she walks through the door.MELISSA: I don't know if he's just stubborn, but no matter how many times I tell him something he doesn't seem to learn! I really feel he's being passive-aggressive--he's purposely not doing it the way he should, out of spite. It's not just how he is with the kids. It's a lot of things. I think he purposely stacks the dishwasher the wrong way. And I'm embarrassed by the way he talks to the baby-sitter. He's just not polite.What happened to Melissa and Steve happens all too often to many couples. Melissa may well be right that Steven's failure to learn is passive-aggressive. He clearly is annoyed by how critical Melissa can be. A vicious cycle has developed in which Melissa keeps criticizing and Steven continues "forgetting."How did two people who started out with all the goodwill andlove in the world find themselves living out roles that both of them dislike? As with every couple, their story is complicated. Trying to juggle the pressures that go with a two-career family and children led them to neglect the basics of a loving relationship. Like many couples they no longer gave each other much admiration and seldom did what I call warming each other's heart. One of the only things that remained from the early days of their relationship was Melissa's criticism. In the context of intense love and romance, people can be pretty good-natured about constructive criticism. But hundreds of couples have told me that the most troubling part of their relationship is feeling the constant and often deep criticism.It is important to understand that Melissa and Steven fell into this problematic pattern together, and that neither of them is solely to blame for what has happened. Melissa thought it was helpful to criticize, and Steven, instead of telling her that it bothered him, protested by ignoring Melissa's requests, demands, and advice.I am an amateur painter and when I do portraits from photographs, my husband knows that I welcome his input. I listen when he tells me that the angle of the head doesn't look quite the same as the angle in the photo, or that the skin color seems off to him. Often he is right and I find that another set of eyes is helpful. But sometimes when I've been working hard at a painting I feel I've had enough of his input! I've done the best I can and the painting is as good as it's going to be. Saying "Enough!" to him tactfully but firmly has helped him know when any further comments will be more irritating than helpful.In my experience the willingness to accept criticism seems to erode over time. Perhaps the biggest complaint I hear from couples is that they feel constantly scrutinized and evaluated.What was acceptable during the courtship stage of the relationship rapidly begins to feel undermining and negative. When you become your partner's critic instead of the president of his fan club, you are headed for trouble.Some of you may be thinking, "Yes, she's right! I've got to let some things go. I should be more easygoing. I've become a nag. I have to mellow out and not be so perfectionistic." But I am not suggesting that you accept everything about your partner. Being less critical does not mean you should let yourself be mistreated or taken advantage of. It does mean two things, however. First, criticism is not the way to get your partner to change. And second, you need to be very selective about what you do criticize. Before you say something ask yourself, "Is this really important?" For most couples, even one criticism a day is too much. The fewer criticisms the better. It will help you to stop criticizing if you remember that changing your partner through criticism simply has not worked and the more you do it the less effective it is. If you try to minimize criticism and at the same time communicate what you do admire, you have a much better chance of being heard. And if you add to this equation being really conscious of doing the things that warm your partner's heart, you will create an atmosphere of love and goodwill in which difficult problems can be solved.Perhaps this sounds all well and good but you wonder how you can possibly stop criticizing when your spouse does so many things that really annoy you. Perhaps you are thinking, "I criticize for good reason and it seems unrealistic to just stop." If you are eager to find out how to really get him or her to listen, please skip ahead to chapter 3. But do remember that the advice given in later chapters will work much better if you have laid the groundwork by starting to warm each other's heart. It only takesone of you to break a pattern of emotional withholding and I hope this chapter will have convinced you to take the first step.Truth #4: There Is No Such Thing As Unshakable, Immutable, Affair-Resistant LoveSome of you may object strongly to what I'm going to say next. You will say I'm too cynical or lack faith in the strength of marital vows. But I believe that no marriage or relationship is safe from the threat of an affair. No one can rest assured that their partner will stay faithful to them. Over and over again I have seen the most upstanding citizens, with strong religious convictions and moral codes, override their own value system because they cannot resist the power of love and infatuation. Sometimes people do manage to refrain from acting on their feelings but the affair of the heart is every bit as powerful and threatening to committed relationships as one that becomes sexual. No matter how devoted and caring your partner may be today, he or she can change.A Cautionary TaleValerie met Gregory when she was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. Having emigrated to the United States from Budapest only one year earlier, she had few American friends and was grateful for all the support and encouragement he gave her. What started out as a friendship soon turned into a passionate teenage love affair. Valerie's parents were outraged by what they regarded as promiscuous behavior. They sent her away to relatives for the summer, and that autumn Gregory went off to college. Gregory was an unusually mature and solid young man. He was calm and persistent and "talked sense" into Valerie whenshe was so angry at her parents that she seriously contemplated running away. Whenever he was home from college he would visit Valerie, and the respectful way he treated her parents eventually led them to see him as a fine young man.Over the years Valerie and Gregory sometimes thought that they should each go out with other people simply because they had been each other's first and only love. But after a few weeks apart they always concluded that they were extraordinarily lucky to have found one another and that it was silly to put themselves through a separation just because they had met so young.Gregory had always wanted to be a physician and went to medical school right after graduating from college. The four years of medical school were difficult ones. Valerie's father became terminally ill during that time and died a few months before Gregory graduated. During his illness Valerie became quite despondent. Gregory did his best to juggle the demands of medical school with his deep concern for how Valerie was feeling. It upset him that Valerie was often angry and irritable with him and accused him of not being there for her. Valerie was an intense person, and though Gregory sometimes found her extreme anger or sadness frightening he always was able to help her overcome whatever bothered her. But ever since her father became ill she seemed mad at him almost all the time. Gregory understood that she was going through a very hard time and believed that eventually she would become her old self again.They married shortly after Gregory completed medical school. An excellent student, he graduated with honors despite the fact that he frequently went home for the weekend to be with Valerie. Gregory wanted to do his internship and residency out west, and when they first got engaged they both looked forward to the adventure of being newlyweds in parts unknown. But understanding that Valerie needed to be near her bereaved mother, heagreed without resentment to do his internship and residency at a New York hospital instead.Valerie had complete faith in Gregory's love for her. Though she was often irritated with him for becoming preoccupied with his studies and ambitions and felt sometimes that he didn't pay enough attention to her, she believed that his love for her was absolute and unshakable. He was her best friend, he was completely trustworthy, and he was a deeply moral and spiritual person. Had he not fallen in love with Valerie he might even have considered the priesthood.I'll never forget my first meeting with Valerie and Gregory. Married fourteen years, they had two children and plenty of money. An internationally known pediatric surgeon, Gregory devoted much of his professional life to working with the Red Cross and the United Nations to provide the best medical care possible to poor children all over the world. A few months before coming to see me, while getting his clothes ready for summer storage at the cleaners Valerie had come across love letters addressed to Gregory. Valerie had so much trust in Gregory that when he told her they were from the mentally disturbed mother of one of his child patients she believed him. Three weeks later when she heard him whispering into the phone late at night she became suspicious. After days of questioning and many denials Gregory finally admitted that he had been having an affair for over two years.In the next few weeks Valerie lost nearly twenty pounds. She was clinically depressed. She couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate on her work. And though Gregory swore that he had broken off his relationship with his lover, Valerie was profoundly distrustful and felt that she could never recover from this betrayal. Like many people, Valerie had believed that her partner's love for her was immutable. She had always had 100 percent trust in him andregarded him as the most morally principled person she had ever encountered. She believed that he would never want to hurt her. She couldn't comprehend that he had deceived her all this time and had manipulated and purposely misled her when she asked if something was wrong. Valerie described feeling, prior to this discovery, that Gregory's love for her was as solid as a parent's love. Of course she knew that they had been having problems, and clearly they should have sought couples counseling long ago. Yet she believed that the fights, disappointments, and misunderstandings could not affect their basic love. It was unthinkable.This was neither the first nor the last time I have heard people say pretty much the same thing.So how did it happen? The long and short of it is that Gregory and Valerie stopped giving each other the admiration, recognition, and emotional support that nourishes love. Gregory was admired tremendously by almost everyone who came in contact with him. He was a warm, highly competent doctor who really cared about the children on whom he operated. Valerie loved and admired him as well but for years she had felt neglected and taken for granted. Though she tried to support his ambitious career, she felt that the years he spent in training had taken a tremendous toll on the relationship. She didn't work outside the home when the children were young, and with Gregory's long hours she often felt like a single parent. When she went back to work full-time she felt as if she, too, received more admiration from her coworkers. She resented that Gregory seemed more devoted to his patients than to their family. It was hard to criticize him because his work was so important, yet she felt neglected and unappreciated. When Gregory was at home she had trouble warming up to him. She knew that she had a pretty sharp tongue and often spoke to him sarcastically. Valerie became emotionally withholding. She stopped confiding in him and rarely expressedaffection. When he tried to be sexually intimate with her she found that she just wasn't in the mood. Valerie and Gregory became more and more alienated. They no longer made each other feel good about themselves.How do I explain how a man as basically good as Gregory could have an affair? I'll talk more about affairs in chapter 6, but in essence I believe that the wish to be loved and to feel you add joy to another person's life is one of the most powerful human motivators. People will lie, rationalize, and distort the truth--to themselves and to their partner--to have this need fulfilled. The moral of this story is that you must never forget that any relationship can fall apart. But this knowledge does not have to lead to distrust and anxiety. Instead it can help you make sure that you act upon the basic truths laid out in this chapter.I often hear people say that the worst part of their marital difficulties is the feeling that they are the primary source of unhappiness in their partner's life. It is terribly disheartening to believe that you cause more upset than pleasure. Letting your partner know the ways in which he is a positive force in your life helps strengthen the bond. In combination with the other suggestions in this chapter, it is the best way to inoculate your relationship against the danger of new loves.WE LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT ... Copyright © 1999 by Ellen Wachtel. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

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45 of 48 people found the following review helpful.
A Book To Read With Your Significant Other
By Gabriella Ibieta
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she has "worked with close to one thousand couples"), and from her own life (she has been married to the same man "for more than thirty years"). Her book is accessible and fun to read, integrating brief, illustrative case histories with keen (and also brief!) psychological analyses, followed by sensible suggestions for couples to work out their problems. Dr. Wachtel organizes her material into eight chapters on such topics as decision-making, arguing, raising children, and having a satisfactory sex life (while doing all of the above!). I particularly like how she addresses the reader, simply and directly, throughout her narrative; for example, in her discussion of "harmful words" during arguments, she tells us: "Even if you apologize and explain that you didn't mean what you said, your partner may still be hurt. . . . Your partner not only feels wounded by your words but by the fact that you wanted to be so hurtful." Occasional references to her personal experiences enrich the narrative, allowing the reader to envision the author as a real person, herself struggling with life's challenges, as when she discusses some minor and major differences between her and her husband: "Poking around in flea markets is a real treat for me, but he becomes restless. . . . We differ even on such fundamentals as child-rearing philosophies and religious convictions." The book's last chapter, titled "We Love Each Other and We Get Along Well, But... Is This It?", offers the author's view of relationships as ongoing, developing, fluid processes. It is not enough just to learn how to deal with conflict within a stable, friendly marriage. After all, don't we also want to have fun, to share life's joys with our partner? Dr. Wachtel knows the importance of passion and romance in relationships. "Continue to surprise yourself and your spouse," she tells us, "Have little adventures together and apart. . . . Start to tell jokes. Take up swing dancing. . . ." And enjoy reading this book with your significant other, I tell you--it is definitely worth it!

29 of 35 people found the following review helpful.
Great Reading Even for Lawyers (Smile)
By Lady Law
Yes, I have all the stereotypes that are attached to my profession...critical, type A personality, sometimes ridiculously high standards, structured, can obsess over a situation/concern, loyal, and extremely limited with ways to use my time. When I discovered that my marriage was suffering because I just "couldn't find the time" to be a superwoman in bed..and beyond. After looking at my husbands frustration, and hearing him say one time too often.."I've become immune to the lack of sex" "can't miss whatI don't get.." I became concerned. I guess I thought that he SHOULD be attracted to me, even if we don't have sex as often as he wants. (Heck) I think 3 to 4 times a week is OUTRAGEOUS. It was great for dating, but who has the time anymore.

BUT....then I read this book. It is GREAT!!! I went on line after I identified that the real problem could actually be me, and ordered over 20...yes 20.. books on love, sex, and marriage. I set out to FIX this problem. Well This book is giving me the foundation from which to build. The chapter on your "We don't have too much Sex life" was excellent. To follow up "Dealing With..Emotional Hang-ups," helped me as well. I must acknowledge that some of those hang-ups came about due to the lack of sex. To my female peers, I am sure that you will agree that men are so much more pleasant after you've made love. While reading I would run to my husband and say..."hey read this..let's get those tapes.." I discovered that the hard porn was okay, but it was too synthetic for me, and those women were dumb as an ox. Who actually comes in and says..."oh I want you to ... me" to an absolute stranger?
Plus Dr. Ellen Wachtel didn't speak to me as if I was a patient. I couldn't comfortably read a book that sounds like the author has not had sex themselves in over a decade. Some books analyzed it from a medical point of view. Who cares about how one's testosterone level may effect one's Sex drive. I just want to please my husband and thereby please myself. I took my book everywhere! So, not to run on..which is another trait (smile) I just want to say---DO IT!! BUY THIS BOOK, and try out some of the suggestions Dr. Ellen Wachtel makes.
SIDEBAR: please overlook the typos, I am just so excited about the book, I just finished it--I wanted to scribble off a note to share this discovery.

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful.
Saved our marriage
By MomOfTwins
If there were six stars available, I'd give them to this book. Without a doubt, We Love Each Other But saved my marriage of 6 years. I was embarrassed to look at the chapter headings and realize how typical I was, having allowed my marriage to grow weeds through neglect:
* We Love Each Other But ... Every Decision is a Tug-of-War
* We Love Each Other But ... We Get into Really Bad Arguments
* We Love Each Other But ... We Don't Have Much of a Sex Life
* We Love Each Other But ... But I Have a Hard Time Dealing with my Partner's Emotional Hang-ups
* We Used to Love Each Other But ... Now I'm Not So Sure
* We Love Each Other But ... Life with Children Isn't Easy
* We Love Each Other But ... Is This It?

The author's style is easy-to-read, and she gives terse usable relationship rules that my husband and I have adopted in our day-to-day reactions. We went from discussing divorce to being the strongest couple we've ever been, and look forward to many more happy decades together.

For instance, Dr. Wachtel's advice has turned our frequent explosive arguments into productive discussions. We now walk away from the conversation when either one of us gets emotional or defensive, returning to it after 10 minutes or an hour. We know not to get upset when someone calls a time out. We focus on understanding the other's perspective instead of just getting our own across. We touch more often, and for the first time in a long time, I know my husband still loves me, and he knows I still love him.

I believe that if we'd read this book earlier, and been open to Dr. Wachtel's ideas, we would have never reached the crisis point we came to. I've since bought 4 additional copies of this book (my husband and I each have one) to give as wedding gifts. If you're in a relationship, or think you may be in one some day, give this book a glance. The few hours it takes to read are well worth it.

The fact that Dr. Wachtel uses both same-sex and heterosexual couples in her examples is just icing on the cake.

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