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Leaning over a sleeping child or waiting for a small dripping body to emerge from the tub, what parent hasn't felt the pull of contradictory emotions: the rush of tenderness, the pang of anxiety? We know that the physical love between parent and child is both natural and necessary, yet it's a subject we're afraid to approach-- indeed, it's been called "the last taboo." In language both lyrical and provocative, The Eros of Parenthood explores this highly charged and controversial territory.
Even to put the two words together- eros and parenthood-- is to enter a forbidden realm. Yet the two are inextricably linked. For eros, the energy of connection, fuels the immense labor of parental care, fosters the formation of the human self, and lies at the foundation of all forms of human love. In its intense physicality, the love between parent and young child is similar to that between adult lovers, but it is different in some absolutely crucial ways. Healthy parental love is sheltering, protective. Putting the child's needs first, this love respects the inequality-- in size, power, and maturity-- between parent and child.
Alas, in our zeal to protect children from the trauma of sexual abuse, we often resort to black-and-white thinking. Because we are afraid to acknowledge the erotic component of parent-child love, the most innocent interactions become suspect. The atmosphere becomes so saturated with anxiety that it intrudes on the most tender moments between parent and child.
Navigating between the extremes of injurious denial and hysterical fear, The Eros of Parenthood finds a middle ground. While celebrating the passion that naturally exists between parent and child, it seeks the limits of this passion. Inspired by the fairy-tale figure of Goldilocks, Noelle Oxenhandler takes as a central question: "Between the poles of too hot and too cold, too much and too little, how can I find the just right?"
The answer to this question lies in the power of attunement. A dynamic process of adjustment that balances between fusion and separateness, attunement is the compass in Goldilocks's hand, the key to the mystery of intimacy between parent and child. To understand this is to
cf0discover a way through the eros of parenthood that, while breaking the grip of fearful thinking, leads to an authentic sense of boundary.
In poetic prose that encompasses topics as subtle as a pregnant mother's dream and as dramatic as the recovered memory of abuse, The Eros of Parenthood breaks new ground. Personal, yet with profoundly social implications, the book employs a highly readable format in which each chapter consists of a linked sequence of "explorations" that can be read in a single sitting, in the brief interstices of a busy parent's life. The hardest thing for us, in the wake of what we have too often witnessed is-- while keeping our children safe from harm-- to experience the full measure of delight in them. To gaze at them while they sleep-- on their backs with limbs flung like the petals of an open flower or curled on their sides like an inner ear...
Through responsibility and tender awareness, parents and children can reclaim a form of love that is natural, necessary, and the ground of all human intimacy.
- Sales Rank: #1392867 in Books
- Published on: 2001-03-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.68" h x 1.21" w x 7.36" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 304 pages
From Publishers Weekly
In an attempt to reclaim the primal intimacy of the parent-child bond from dogmatists who see close physical affection as suspect or indecent, Oxenhandler (A Grief Out of Season) argues that parental love is inherently erotic. Despite her flamboyant terminology, what Oxenhandler means is that the parent-child bond can have the same physical and emotional intensity as a bond between lovers. There is, she points out, some scientific basis for this magnetism. The chemical oxytocin "controls a woman's pleasure during orgasm, childbirth, cuddling and nursing." Meanwhile, a child's "irresistibleness" in infancy is also a mechanism for survival. But Oxenhandler soon leaves science behind in favor of addressing the different "erotic" feelings a parent may experience. Throughout, she stresses the importance of "attunement," a process by which parents modify their physical affection as their children grow older--after all, the same caresses one showers on a baby are hardly appropriate for an adolescent. While the subtitle suggests an evenhanded treatment of the "light" and "dark" aspects of the parent-child relationship, Oxenhandler is much more skillful at presenting its sunnier side. She admits she has little experience in dealing with victims of child abuse, incest or pedophilia, and her attitude toward these issues may strike some readers as dismissive and uninformed. (In one chapter she suggests that adults use "playfulness" as an alternative to slipping into forbidden territory, though that seems an unlikely remedy to true pedophilic impulses.) Despite the flaws in her argument, many parents will find some comfort in this beautifully written book, which reassures them about the pleasure they may find in their child's natural curiosity and unconscious sexuality.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Writer and mother Oxenhandler here examines the physical affection between parent and childDwhat she calls "the eros of parenthood"Dand explores its conflicts, among them, the need for touch so vital to a child's well-being, the confusing emotions of parents, and the dark menace of child abuse. Beginning with the attunement that envelopes new parents and their infants and moving through the separations that both must make as the child grows, Oxenhandler arrives at the definitions of boundaries that are the right balance between the need for intimacy and touch and the avoidance of inappropriate contacts. This well-written book, which grew out of an article in The New Yorker, will certainly be controversial; its intended audience, however, is not readily apparent, and librarians will need to gauge their readers to see if there would be demand for the title. Recommended for large collections only.DKay Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Oxenhandler's provocatively titled exploration of the sensual bonds between parent and child considers the biological imperatives that strengthen those bonds, such as the child's recognition of its mother's smell and the mother's delight in smelling the top of her newborn's head. It also examines the physicality of the parent-child relationship, the importance of which is attested by the facts that babies are more susceptible to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) when they aren't sleeping with a parent and that small children suffer psychological damage when deprived of physical affection. Employing anecdotes from her own and other parents' experiences, Oxenhandler discusses the boundary between healthy and unhealthy parent-child attachment. Throughout, she writes lyrically, highlights parenthood's joys, and focuses on the moments of parent-child connection that make lack of sleep and other hardships worthwhile. Mothers of any age should appreciate the book, and despite its concentration on female caregivers, fathers, too, will find some of their experiences reflected in Oxenhandler's musings. Bonnie Johnston
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Most helpful customer reviews
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful.
Oxenhandler Gets It "Just Right"
By Theresa Reid, PhD
The Eros of Parenthood is a sensitive exploration of a very hot topic: managing the intensely sensual experience of child-rearing in a culture as attuned to sexual abuse as ours is.
I have worked in the field of child sexual abuse for many years, and know very well how widespread the problem is and how serious the consequences can be. Therefore, I read Oxenhandler's book with some fear that she would "pile on" in the current attacks against people who have raised awareness about sexual abuse.
But Oxenhandler successfully balances her impassioned advocacy for the bonds of passion between parents and children and her knowledge that sexual abuse is a reality. In fact, she uses Goldilocks's quest to find the "just right" between two extremes -- in this case, the extremes of frigid lack of touch on one hand, and sexual abuse on the other -- as an organizing trope throughout her book.
Oxenhandler's book is not a quick read. It is subtle, nuanced, exploratory, beautifully written -- a perfect fit for her subject. Every parent who has been overwhelmed by love and the sheer joy of physical intimacy with a child will find relief, friendship, and intelligent, sensitive guidance in this wonderful, essential, and timely book.
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Dare, if you will, to read...
By christina
This is a beautiful book addressing complex and dynamic elements of parenting. The writing is sweet, dramatic, sensual and educated. It dares to be politically incorrect and encourages a return to intimate mothering that has been lost via feminism and day care. As a new mom, I was overwhelmed with feelings of intimacy for my baby son...I had no idea. I read the chapters, underlined, and tearfully re-read the moving paragraphs to my husband when he got home at night. Oxenhandler succinctly captures the power of a child's love for his momma, the smiles that light up a parent's heart, as well as the darker side of sensuality between parent and child. It is a well-researched, albeit brave and scary, text.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Evocative writing combined with close scrutiny
By B. Baer
Noelle Oxenhandler's "The Eros of Parenthood" combines evocative writing with a close scrutiny of the great pleasures and considerable dangers in close bonds between children and parents. What's unique about this book is the way Ms Oxenhandler writes with the intimacy of memoir, making the reader feel very close to the experiences she describes from her own childhood and her relationship with her daughter, and at the same time gives us just the right amount of information about parent-child bonds. "Just rightness" is truly the theme of this fine book--encouragement to all of us to trust that we will get the right balance between being intimate with out children and not invading their psyches or bodies. So many books that might be called "popular psychology" are cold and distant; "The Eros of Parenthood" feels like listening to a friend, and friend of friends, describing the difficult times, the rewarding times, with their children. So much of our spontaneity has been curbed as we imagine that we might be doing something wrong, or what could be construed as wrong, when we show our love to our children in ways we know are entirely right; "The Eros of Parenthood" tells us that we are doing a good thing by loving our children, that we know in our hearts and minds when that love isn't appropriate and we won't go there. "Eros of Parenthood" is unique and beautiful in so many ways that I recommend it with great enthusiasm. B. L. Baer, Floreant Press, California.
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